Austerities for Beginners

Don’t wear anything green for a week.

Refrain from proving mathematical theorems.

Vow never to set foot in Philadelphia.

Creative Austerities

Fasting and self-flagellation are so 12th century! Rejuvenate your spiritual life with these novel austerities.

Sleep with all the lights on.

Wear wet clothes for a week.

Read everything upside-down.

Put a fly in your soup.

Eat hair.

The Really Rich

The really rich keep their clothes hung up on people who are hired to stand perfectly still in their closets.

Advances in Safety Cap Technology

The Zen safety cap. It opens only when you sincerely give up the struggle to get it open. Useful for keeping potent substances out of the hands of the overly deliberate.

The Divine Plan Revealed

Humanity has an essential role to play in God’s plan for the Universe. Our mission is to produce a certain quantity of urine every day.

The Main Disadvantage of a Career in Psychotherapy

People are always coming in and bothering you with their problems.

How Comedy Began: A Play in One Act

Cast of characters: Caveman 1, Caveman 2.

Caveman 2 sits cross-legged on the ground in front of his cave, devouring a bloody piece of raw meat with grunts of satisfaction. He wears ragged animal skins, after the manner of Alley Oop. Caveman 1 runs on stage from the left, wearing similar skins. He starts to talk before coming to a halt in front of Caveman 2.

CAVEMAN 1. [excitedly] Hey, your mate’s just been eaten by a saber-tooth tiger!

CAVEMAN 2. Oh my gods!

CAVEMAN 1. Take it easy, It didn’t really happen. She’s okay.

CAVEMAN 2. Then why the hell did you say it happened?

CAVEMAN 1. It seemed … I don’t know. It made me feel pleasantly odd to say something without regard for its truth.

CAVEMAN 2. It made you feel pleasantly odd! What the hell kind of a reason is that to say something?

CAVEMAN 1. You try it. You’ll see what I mean.

CAVEMAN 2. Sounds crazy, but okay … Hey, antelopes do not exist!

CAVEMAN 1. [rolls his eyes upward and cocks his head in introspection] It didn’t seem to work that time. Try another one.

CAVEMAN 2. Look at me! I'm eating stones!

CAVEMAN 1. [after introspection] I think I felt a twinge that time. Did you feel something?

CAVEMAN 2. I didn’t feel anything. This is totally crazy!

CAVEMAN 1. Let’s try it just once more. Why don’t you say a whole bunch of things—maybe one of them will hit the mark. But leave the “hey” in—I have a hunch that it helps.

CAVEMAN 2. Hey, it's night time! Hey, I have three legs! Hey, the Great Turtle doesn’t protect us from the evil River Spirits!

CAVEMAN 1. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

CAVEMAN 2. I have an idea. Hey, your mate’s just been eaten by a saber-tooth tiger!

CAVEMAN 1. Now that's very strange. It didn't work at all this time. It must be how you tell it.

Fragment of an Ancient Conversation

“What year is it?”

“Six.”

The Truth About Denmark

Denmark is a myth. There is no such country.

How Good Is the Universe?

On a scale of 1 to 10, the Universe is a 6—“not bad.” Despite its grandeur, it loses points on account of small imperfections such as the difficulty of getting to the heart of the artichoke, and death.

On the Infinitude of God

God is infinite

measuring lengthwise

but He is only

four feet wide.